The Massa Miss(es)

I was warned. By many. The day of the funeral would be tough. For some, the whole day is a fog, and you become a robot of some sorts. Some warned me that you would experience every emotion known to man in the span of just a few short hours. For me…. it was the latter.

The day really was everything that I knew and hoped it would be. Above all, I wanted to make him proud. I think we did that. The church was filled to the brim. There was laughter, tears, the presence of Grace. All of the things. I was proud of Amelia. Her words. Her pose. Her ability to be raw. Everything. As the service ended, her and I were glued to the pew. We couldn’t move. So we didn’t. As everyone left the sanctuary, her and I stayed put. Many core memories were made that day. One in particular…. our tribe. There are two generations of kiddos in this tribe. The “bigs”. (i.e. Amelia’s age), and the “littles”. The “littles” (which now we call G2 because they aren’t so little) are pretty off the shelf when it comes to pseudo little brothers. Running a muck, jumping off of things, playing an insane amount of video games, being totally antagonistic, etc. But not that day. That day as they scooted across the pew to exit each one of them gave my girl a squeeze. On their own. No prompting. It was beautiful. #corememory

It was just her and I in the sanctuary. Jayson’s picture on the wall. Her and I in our new black dresses sitting in the pew. I asked the Funeral Director to bring Jayson’s ashes back in to the sanctuary. We needed to be there just the three of us, together, one last time. There, her and I laid in front of the altar, with our hands on his urn. We prayed, we cried, and we mourned so hard. Several weeks after, I was reflecting on that moment. It donged on me. It was the exact spot that just 13 years ago, we both stood and said our vows. It was poetic. The beginning and the end, in the same exact spot. It was heart breaking. Still hurts. Probably always will.

The rest of the day was indeed a blur. Shortly after the graveside “mini-service”, I could feel my body giving way. For 9 long months, I had adrenaline always pumping through my veins. There wasnt a day when my heart rate wouldnt sky rocket due to the circumstances. I was done. My body was telling me…. breath….. stop….. find some temporary peace. I gave hugs to those in attendance at the cemetery. My childhood best friend took care of my Mom that day, (Teresa is the best) Jaymi sewed everything up at the graveside (thank God for her), and I was ushered away by the Tribe. As I came into the house, it felt…. BIG. Like too big (more on that to come later). I thew off my heals and my spanks, and on went the PJs. Amelia and I were fed, and after a debrief, we went to bed.

I woke up the next morning, opened my eyes and my girl was already awake. Which is a rarity. I asked her what she wanted to do that day. She shrug her shoulders. Early on in our journey, Amelia and I made a pact. That we would always muster up the courage to be brave and say the things that we needed in that moment. I took a breath, “you know what I want to do today? Absolutely nothing. I dont want to leave the bed. I want to door dash and get delivery all day. I want to cuddle up with you, watch TV, eat in bed, and only get up to pee. What do you think about that?” She looked at me with her beautiful almond shaped eyes, “samsies”. Done deal dot com.

Swiped up to open up the app to order door dash for the day, and on clicked the television. For months people were telling me to watch Gilmore Girls. LOL. I had never seen it. But hey there was like seven seasons with like a million episodes each season. perfection. There we stayed. We watched for over eight hours straight. It was indeed perfect. The story of a Mom and a Daughter, just them, surrounded by their tribe, family, community, just doing life together. It was exactly what we needed. In fact, that series got us through the first three months. There was some similarities. Amelia LOVES to read. We both are a little quirky, and sometimes I am a better talker than listener. Of course there are some huge differences. I mean, if we ate that amount of junk food, we would have some serious GI issues, and coffee is off limits after 11:00am. We arent the Gilmore Girls. We are the Massa Misses.